0900 First 500 mg capsule of the day. I will attempt to get to 1500 mg today, since there has not been anything untoward so far. Except irritability - which could just as easily have been low blood sugar at that point. Damn, it's hard to pin down causes, when there are so many possible sources! I truly doubt it was the hemp oil that triggered Prime Bitch Mode yesterday, since that usually makes it very difficult to stay mad enough to blow up - so it must have been when the dose was expiring? whatever word indicates that the peak effect has passed, and the medicinal level is dropping. I ate, remedicated, and wasn't pissed off anymore. I had less than good patience with Roger, and I regret that. He has a LOT on his plate right now. I have to keep reminding myself that my cancer is his as well, and that he has a lot to process with this situation, just like I do. Try harder to be nicer. It's that simple, Mel.
Last night's supermoon was amazing! Digital cameras have their advantages, and flaws, but I think this shot of the moon through the leaves of a Plushberry plant is kinda neat.
1215 Bumper dose of 150 mg. Watered the veggies today - all by myself. Yay says the 7 year old in me! Actually - this was the first day since the biopsy that I wanted to trust the healing - still bruised in painful ways - but JUST bruise painful - nasty, but familiar and not unprovoked, unlike neuropathy, which is more painful, lasts for hours, and does not need anything to trigger it - although a hell of a lot does! So, I lifted the watering cans from the barrel and carried them to the garden. It felt GOOD!
Medical irony rearing its ugly head here - I am JUST now feeling somewhat back to normal - so it must be time to do something else to set me back again - and sure enough - a consult with a surgeon about the next diagnostic test. This one is confusing. Online information indicates that they need to go in again, and either scoop a slice of samples, or remove all the cancer, plus a safety margin of healthy cells??? And all of that creates more healing needed, more infection fighting required... and HOW MUCH is all this costing???
Irony number 2 - if I had not changed jobs, and lost income, I would not have qualified for OHP. Had I not qualified, I would not have availed myself of having access to a mammogram...and the cancer would still be in stealth mode. I had to be broke before I could get the medical attention I apparently need. Funny... I have worked all my life, starting at age 15. Granted, that first job, and a few others, did not officially pay into the security net system we are supposed to have in this country, but I have put in thousands in payroll taxes, money I earned, but was not allowed to have. Now, at this end of my life, I had to go broke to get through the door to medical treatment. Somehow, this does not seem like the American Dream ... a concept horridly dated now, but still something those of us over a certain age have hanging around in our "mind palaces" (Thanks, Benedict/Sherlock).
Stop crying over spilled milk, Mel. You spilled it a long time ago, and for sure, it has curdled. The American Dream was never more than that, and if you bought into it at one time, you were naive. Enough. Go take pics of the ladies.
1700 Another 500 mg dose. This one sent me to the coolcoon - the one small place in the house where the air conditioner makes it tolerable. It is about the size of my childhood bedroom, somehow very comforting. . But this dose made me need a cool quiet space as it was quite heady. I was able to read for a little while, but felt too relaxed to turn the page after a while. That was nice. Fortunately, I made a big chicken parm casserole early yesterday which tastes not too bad when cold, so dinner was pleasant.
2030 Nighttime capper of 150 mg. Today's total is 1300 mg again. I felt good all day, even when so hot. Sweating real sweat because you have been out doing things is an excellent feeling.
Sleep tight.
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