Follow me down the rabbithole

Thursday, July 31, 2014

The Caucus Race

If anyone actually reads this - they might have noticed a particular whimsical theme in these here parts.  Alice, whether in Wonderland or on the other side of the Looking-Glass, faced incredibly bewildering and terrifying situations - and came out just fine.  Home in time to make sure that Dinah got her saucer of milk for tea.  Learned a lot about the world, herself, and her place in it in the process.

I cannot swear that Alice was my first fantasy heroine, but her story has travelled with me for decades now, an old comfortable sweater, worn at the elbows, but warm, familiar and reassuring.  I come back to Alice when the world above the rabbit hole moves faster than I can.

That happened this morning.  I went to the foot doctor expecting to talk about possible surgical removal of my horrid toenails...and the possible became the actual.  He cut off my entire right big toe nail.  It happened so matter-of-factly that I had no time or reason to ramp up the panic machine.  In retrospect - what a blessing!  I did not have three days of build-up, countdown, or any other cliche that implies doing nothing but freaking out about impending FOOT issues.  Instead - the toe was painted with iodine, stabbed with that kind of anesthesia that I was assured did not exist(up in Alaska), and from that point on - I only felt a "presence" at my foot.  I could feel things being moved about, manipulated, pulled at, but no other sensation - no pain, in other words.  However, the lack of actual physical pain did little to decrease the mounting anxiety that SOMEONE IS FUCKING WITH MY FEET!!!!  RED ALERT!!!  DIVE!! DIVE!! SHIELDS UP!!  WARP 6, MR. SULU!  OPEN THOSE HAILING FREQUENCIES!!!  USE THE FORCE!!!  PREPARE TO REPEL INVADERS!!!

Oh gawds.  My worst nightmare.  In broad daylight.  Made manifest and whole by the whim of some incalculably sadistic oppositional force.  Or just the worst fucking luck in the universe.  You choose.
I actually volunteered to let someone cut an open wound into my foot.  That makes my judgement so suspect that I can't decide which fate to blame.  Hardly matters, in any case.

Move on.  Keep running as fast as you can to stay your ground.  Run your own pattern, start and stop when you see fit.  Well, today I started a new Caucus race.  One that started totally randomly, onto which I must impose my own pattern.  Only I will know when I am dry enough to stop.

To mix literaryness...So it begins.  (You knew there would be a Tolkien quote eventually, didn't you?)

I am scared.  No, terrified.  I have a head full of shitty memories, of unrelenting, unremitting pain.  But what I am armed with THIS time - is cannabis.  I had access to it in Alaska,,,but I worked for the police department.  Can't have a dispatcher using medical cannabis off-duty!  FAR better to have her sitting here jazzed to the eyebrows on vicodin, eating 36 advil every day...much superior a solution!

So.  I am building a skyhook, onto which I WILL confidently hang my future mental stability.  And I mean that in the most literal sense.  This is the acid test.  IF I can come through this round of foot shit in relatively normal fashion...I can lay THAT ghost to rest once and for all.  I need to believe that the cannabis will promote that kind of good healing - in addition to cleaning out that pesky little breast cancer issue.  I am asking a lot of a plant.  But I am asking it of a plant that will deliver.  Guarendamntee it.

Make today the best day yet.  Love to all that read this far - and to those that did not.

Saturday, July 12, 2014

Better Directions - Look to your Right

Over in the right hand side bar are the new pages that I have been adding.  Please check them out to see what has been happening lately with my cancer, and my cannabis treatment for it.  I am writing this blog as healing therapy.  Sometimes it is just a mind dump.  Feel free to skim that stuff, looking for the good bits.  I got a degree in English successfully doing that.

There are two sets of pages.  One will be a daily log of dosages and effects, and the other will be various pictures that may - or may not - have a whole lot to do with the daily log.  This medicine makes it tough to multitask, and figuring out how to consolidate all this will have to wait until I can spend a couple of hours in this oven of a living room working it out.  Mark your calendars for late Sept. for that to happen, methinks!

Sunday, July 6, 2014

The OTHER side of paradise...the wrong side

Let's go back to Bethel, shall we?  Nothing new on the medical front, except that the Medical Industry has figured out a way to distort time - give you a whole week to ponder cancer test results, and that week lasts at least 4 years and 3 months.  Lots of time to think...and remember...

{EDIT:  Now and forever, all names of people not currently here with me are made up out of my ass.  The incidents are all real, although some may be combined for artistic purposes.  In other words, everything really happened, but not to whom I am saying it did, or even that it all happened to the same person at the same time.  I claim storyteller's right to entertain by choosing the narrative.  Unlike some..many...most chroniclers, however, I do assert that all of this really did happen.  To someone.}

I mentioned earlier how disconcerting the Yup'ik language can be to a non-Native.  Here is a short video that samples this odd language - and I mean odd only to my ears.  To a Native - this is right, and what comes out of my mouth is odd.  I tell you three times - this language is really different, just another mind fuck for me.  But, at a distance, I can see other things about Alaska, and I spent some therapeutic time on this blog, and watching these videos.  This is the first time I have sought this kind of thing, and there is loveliness there.  Take a little while, visit some of those videos and look for the Yup'ik STORYTELLER video on that page - awesome way to spend an hour! (And a nice balance for the negativity that I am spewing forth...again, therapeutically.  I am using this time to write down my Alaska stories - some have heard some of these...and getting this stuff out on paper has always been therapeutic for me - no matter what flavor the particular stuff happens to be at the moment.  I still have high school journals - in dwarf runes - tucked away, survivors of a cross continent move - and then a big return to Oregon...only my precious survived that kind of culling)

Weird.  I just scrolled through those videos, and recognize a lot of things, but that was a part of Alaska that was closed off to me.  I was the wrong race, possibly the wrong gender, although things never got to that point very often, and I was a local celebrity for all the wrong reasons.

Isolation is the keyword for Bethel.  Nothing gets in or out easily.  Not people, goods, supplies, cars, firetrucks or entertainment.  There are satellite dishes that bring in whatever stray frequencies are bouncing around the Sub-arctic tundra, but by and large, the entire community of Bethel spent a good deal of the time with a police scanner squawking in a corner somewhere.

We were more than ready for prime time.

Cop shows are silly for many reasons, but communications between dispatchers and cops/firefighters, etc, are a never ending source of WTF on the rare occasions that I get in front of a TV program.  Granted, the usual ebb and flow of code-numbers, international alphabet, inside references would be confusing to most audiences...but not the loyal listeners in Bethel!

A standard radio request was for a "10-27,10-29".  This meant that the officer wanted me to access the subject's DMV file, check his current driver's license status, and also see if he had any "wants or warrants" - wants being a note that someone wanted to make contact with a subject (someone being an official, state trooper type person, or such-like personage.)

The standard response would go = 10-27 returns current, valid, class D, 10-29 returns clear - the subject has no wants or warrants.  This was pretty much an automatic exchange whenever officers contacted anyone for more than a brief stop - whether the subject was being taken into custody, had a traffic stop, or was just drunk in public.

Typical night - Bravo 4 contacted a frequent flier - a villager who was well known for coming into Bethel and spending each night in Protective Custody (PC) - being held in a jail cell for 12 hours to sober up.  Sure enough...he was in need of PC.

"Bravo 4, PD"
"Go ahead, Bravo 4"
"10-29 Last of  Charles, first of Joe"

Before I could acknowledge, a remote voice came from the speakers.

"10-29 returns clear, last of charles, first of joe, last known 20 Kwethluk"

From the back seat, this intoxicated individual had just provided a perfect response to the officer's inquiry.  How many bad guys in Medford would be able to do that - especially since he recorded a BAL (Blood Alcohol Level) of .312 that night?  Most people are barely conscious with numbers that high - not this gentleman.  More on BAL in a moment.

Had this gentleman been present at so many of these exchanges from the back seat that the protocol was drilled into him?  Possibly...but there was something else at work here.  Bethel rules - nothing works as you are used to it working.  Bethel makes its own rules.

Whenever I ventured out of work or the house, I was headed somewhere else, somewhere public.  A store.  The post office.  The courthouse.  And no matter WHERE in town I was, as soon as I said my first two words in public (whatever those two words might happen to be), someone within earshot would whip around, point that freaky Pod People finger at me and exclaim loudly,

 "You work for the Police Department!"  Was it tattooed on my fucking forehead in ink only visible to everyone else in the whole town?  What the fuck!  I knew not one thing about ANY of these people and they all knew me.  And I was automatically down one strike for being non-Native.  Now the knock-out punch - I was part of the non-Native population that was trying to impose itself on the Native culture, with more negative than positive results, AND I was somehow responsible for all the misery caused when police are needed.  3 strikes and the last two were simultaneous.  I am out and never even saw the punch coming.  Excuse the mixed sports metaphors.  Yes, I know better.  Yes, I am deliberately using them to convey the confusion that minds can feel in Bethel.  It's a literary device.

("Said gently and warmly, "Thanks for letting me be a teacher again.")

So now that we are back to DID everyone in the place know me for what - if not exactly who - I was?

My South Jersey Accent and the prolific use of police scanners.  I was the night radio personality - the kind that I used to listen to in my insomnia days - nights in Jersey.  Except they played great music - underground rock in the 70's, etc.  I played life and death dramas.  Earlier radio.  I was The Shadow, Orson Wells, and Doctor Demento each and every night.  But my fans were not seeking my autograph, but a piece of my hide...about the same size as the one taken out of their brother's leg when he charged an officer while under the influence...

And I was the voice that let them know what was burning, and if they knew the family that stayed there.  (No one lives anywhere in rural Alaska - they stay places, unto the unth generation.  He stays on Mission Road.  He has stayed there his whole life, like his father before him.)  I was the voice that let them know who was coming toward them, and why.  Sirens carry a long way on the Tundra, and people are curious...desperately so in such a bleak and remote place.  I was reassurance and fear, hope and despair, tragedy and comedy.  But the dramas were real, the injuries were bleeding loved one's blood, and intoxicated tempers could flare at any moment, given any spark.  Low and slow were my moves, using the survival skills that brought me through night time Philly alone back in the beforetime.  Wrong.  I went out less and less.  I finally gave up on trying to suss out the proper signals -the nonverbal ones.  What movement, eyecontact, noneyecontact, nonmovement, mouth shape, shoulder position, stance, bearing, etc etc would solve this anthropological problem for me in the next 30 seconds or so?  Nothing worked.  I was still menaced with what to ME were threatening glares, crowding of my personal space, raised voices meaning anger - all of MY cultural signals were sending fear waves on overdrive, and that might not have been what they were conveying at all.  Roger speaks highly and very sentimentally about the Native people, and he was there for 30 years.  He saw other sides of them that I, in my profession, would not.  I saw the criminals, the alcoholics, the ones who would or could not conform to law...which wasn't necessarily theirs, but imposed on them.  Sometimes the imposition was made in order to correct an evil that was imposed by contact with other cultures - the whole alcohol law mess up there.  And alone, in those public places, opening my mouth made all of that happen, right there and then, in real time.  The only places I felt safe were at work, in Roger's cab, or in the house.  Not much chance to interact with people on any basis other than taking their calls for help when you live like that.

(N.B.  That is one reason that I am so fervently against cannabis prohibition.  I saw the futility of trying to legislate that kind of behavior with a substance that KILLS people, their culture, their families...and cannabis would be such a kinder, gentler choice for those for whom alcohol is now the only way out on a winter's night.  The prohibition caught SOME of the booze destined for the villages...but I took the calls when that failed and someone was 10-56 (highly intoxicated) and presenting a danger to himself and others.  If prohibition really worked, I would never get those calls.  I got them on regular alcohol, on pruno, and the most memorable, the Village Peace Officer who called to find out if DUI counted on a snow machine if the subject had been drinking shoe polish.

"Shoe polish?" I repeated, making sure I had heard correctly.

"Shoe polish."  He affirmed.

"Is that alcohol?" I asked, googling as I spoke.  The VPO was faster than our satellite connection.

"It is when you take a can of shoe polish and turn it upside down on a loaf of white bread.  You drink what comes out the bottom.  They say black is the strongest."

"If its alcohol, it's DUI.  Are you bringing him in?  Do you need a trooper?"

"Nah - the VPSO drank the evidence, so I will just cuff him overnight and call the troopers in the morning.  Good night, miss."

It was the matter-of-fact detail about the black that was the worst mind fuck.  He reported it to me totally pro forma - he had called the state troopers, was speaking to a non-Native, henceforth someone to whom one is professional, and reported this just as he had been trained.  To him, this was routine.  To me...Bethel makes its own rules.  Stroke 97 or so.

Rambling on about alcohol, some more to share.

High BAL numbers  (or as we called it) their ETOH, were nothing unusual.  Low numbers were.  More than once, an officer muttered and swore at the machine when someone blew anything under a 2.0.  That number was not possible in Bethel, so the machine must be broken.  But high numbers?

The highest I saw - and I actually handled the tape - was a .666.  I saw the subject walk into PD, not well, but moving his own feet and more or less upright...saw him stagger down the hallway and collapse into the breathalyzer seat, and attempt to converse with the officer.  This was hampered by 2 concerns.  His intoxication, and the penny he had secreted under his tongue to fool the breathalyzer.  But he made a valiant effort!  The officer was fairly fresh from the academy - and to Bethel - and he came scampering up the hallway to dispatch, tape fluttering in his wake.

"Can this be right?"  he enthused as he thrust the tape at me.  (The machine we used spit out the results just like a cash register receipt tape).  I looked at it, and took it to find a better light source.  (Dispatch was always dark, except for the 4 monitors that surrounded the dispatch station)

There it was.  .666.  Fucking amazing.  The subject, meantime, was idly testing his cuffed wrist, and managed to slide halfway to the floor.  I silently pointed up at the drunk cam monitor, and the officer gulped and rushed back.  That subject, once freed, actually got to his feet and walked OUT of PD, got into the squad car and was transported to the hospital for a medical OK before being taken on to the jail to check in for the night.

A most reliable source told me that there is a 700 club on the Delta - a collection of individuals who have managed to blow an ETOH OVER .7 - and lived.  Someone with a more scientific bent can correct or confirm this, but I understand this means that 70 percent of the stuff circulating through those people was alcohol.  That's insane, even when you consider the antifreeze properties.  Especially when you consider those.

Alcohol is deceptive.  Drunks are not able to make good choices.  Mix the two, and you have one reason for the death rate in the bush.  Drunks get lost.  Blizzards can get people lost 5 feet from their own door when they are stone cold (pun fully intended) sober.  Mix the two, and you have another reason for the death rate.  Drunks get nasty.  Weather forced people to remain indoors, in each other's spaces, for extended periods of time.  Nasty drunks that have been cooped up together for a month or so are another reason for the death rate.  Shit sure is interesting in the bush.

"9-1-1, What is your emergency?"

Difficulty factor:  This call came in on the Trooper line - a dedicated phone line that was transferred from the Trooper post to the Bethel PD when the troopers packed it in for the night.  That phone received calls from all over the Delta - and I had NO idea where this caller was from.  The call would have been nav-sat in origin, as there are no phone lines or cell towers out there.  There were some nav-sat rigs throughout the villages, and there might have been other tech that I did not need to know about, since this was essentially the Trooper's turf, and I was acting as the answering service - more or less.

What to do now?  There is no way to trace those calls, no caller ID, no nada.  No name, no location, and an area the size of the state of Oregon to search - in the winter.  Yeah.  Right.

The phone rang.
"GRRRRR  Are the troopers coming?  I can't keep running all night!"
"Where are you?"
"Who are you?"
"Albert Tom"
"Keep moving, I will find some help."

Now with a village name, and a subject name, I could act.  Flip through the oversized rolodex that was the village contact listings, find the VPSO (Village Public Safety Officer), and...

Shit.  The VPSO is Albert Tom.  The only cop in town is being chased by a chain-saw wielding brother.

Flipflipflip - Ah,  Numbers for tribal council members, store managers, elders... I start dialing.  Kwethluk is not all that far from Bethel - not nearly as far as calls can originate (I took some calls that were over 300 miles away - basically someone in Portland calling for help from someone in Medford.  And there is NO I-5 stretching across the tundra!)  If a situation was bad enough to require a trooper there immediately - one would fly out to the village.  There was a bush pilot on call in Bethel 24/7 who would make the most amazing things happen out there.  Frequently, these trips were in darkness from start to finish, and villagers and pilots work together to make it happen.  Every vehicle in the village with a head light is driven to the air strip - which is cleared as best as it can be - and when the pilot approached, all the headlights are turned on to illuminate the strip.  These would be four-wheelers, snow machines, with only the occasional jeep or 4 wheel drive.

But Kwethluk was only 15 miles or so upriver.  A trooper could drive there in half an hour or so.

Drive?  Hasn't this woman been saying that there are no roads out's open tundra...

All true.  But the Kuskokwim river freezes and has its own state highway number.    (Please click that link for the proper visual aids, says the teacher.  The song is the shit as well!)

I called the on-call trooper and relayed the information.  Albert Tom was rescued from the chainsaw massacre, his brother got some punitive action (the usual slap on the wrist, and a "note in your official record") and life, such as it is in Bethel, went on.

It's getting bothersomely hot here in the house, so I will go sit in the quiet corner and let some more minutes tick by.  At least the hemp oil doses are keeping me upbeat and able to remain calm and relaxed.  Without it, I would be drooling in a bucket while my mind raced through every single outcome...and then worried itself to death about the outcomes it could not think of!  Such is life in OCD land.  Once that worm bites, it burrows in until...GAH...the brain implodes, or some shit.  I don'r know, I always manage to detrigger it before it gets to that point.  However, cannabis does the detriggering for me for the most part.  Diverting into better channels is FAR easier when medicated.  Rose colored glasses?  Delusional thinking?

I have been waiting since Tuesday to find out if I have cancer or not.

For the love of all your gods, let me keep those rose colored glasses.  They won't change the outcome of the tests - those results are already in the lab.  I just don't know them yet.  But they are a reality.  Why should I endure the misery of the waiting period by not medicating?  In addition to the physical conditions that the hemp oil is treating, any physician or member of the medical industry will confess that a patient's mental state is a huge part of the outcome.  They will bicker like alewives over the exact percentage of advantage a good mental state is...but the view from inside the patient's head is pretty clear cut.

Positive thinking while facing dire medical news is 100 percent of the battle.  The last time I was looking at a medical situation like this was in Alaska, as noted elsewhere.  I had about the worst mental state that one can have in that environment - harsh weather requiring multiple layers around my feet, which increased all the nasty effects, a sedentary occupation and lifestyle which added lethal pounds to an already obese frame, a lack of sunlight which astonished me...

Not that I didn't know Alaska was dark a lot.  In fact, before going there, that was a positive factor in my decision.  I have always loved the night, taking night shift jobs whenever there was that option (and not just for the late shift bonus - that really was bonus for me!) and being in so much MORE darkness was really appealing.

Holy shit.  THAT much darkness was unceasing, neverending, abysmal, depressing, frightening, miserable, nasty... darkness of epicshitstorm proportions.  It never fucking ended.

I chose the midnight shift whenever possible as a dispatcher.  The best shit happens in the middle of the night - which is a much longer period of time in Alaska than it is down here!  And, nights are my best time.  Or so...

I discovered my first year that the sun only rises for a few dim hours midday in Bethel.  You might get a 20 minute stretch when headlights would be optional, but it's dusky, darkly lit.  As a night shift worker, you are asleep when this occurs.  You get up in the dark, you work in the dark, you go to sleep in the dark.  For 9 months at a time.

I had done a lot of reading on Alaska before I boarded the first jet.  I knew about Seasonal Affective Disorder.  I knew a lovely woman who suffered dreadfully from it during winters in New Jersey.  But even at my age, I still retained some of that youthful belief that desire equals invulnerability.  If I want something badly enough, it can't hurt me.

I wanted work at night.  But I NEEDED sunlight.  Natural sunlight.  Working at night automatically means artificial lighting during your entire waking period.  And night shift workers soon learn the folly of reverting to day time activities during short breaks - weekends with the family kind of thing.  Jet lag sets in that first night back and it's a MISERY.  Far better to miss part of the family dinner than suffer through a 12 hour shift from hell.  So getting up to get some sun, if you are even aware that this is an issue, (which I wasn't for a long time), is right out.

Sunlight.  I realized my severe deficiency in this area the summer that I was sick.  I had gone to Anchorage for training, and was not able to get the insurance to incorporate any medical care on that trip.  So I took the one and only non-work leave that I took in 5 years, and Roger and I spent a few days north of Anchorage, in the Mat-Su Valley.  Gawds.  It was wonderful.  Normal houses, TREES, real roads, farm markets, local vegetables...civilization.  And lots to do outside, and lots of outside and sunshine to do it in, and money to get good food, and relax, and even go get my poor wounded feet soaked in the KNIK River.  It was ice cold, fast moving, clean, clear, and full of the most wonderful rounded pebbles.  I was not thinking.  I failed to collect any, and that is a shame.  They were beautiful.
This is a screenshot I snatched from Google Earth Street View.  The black beach to the left was where we went to the water edge and waded.  It was what the doctor and the insurance company SHOULD have ordered.

I think I may have some pictures on an old hard drive somewhere - PROJECT LIST.

(N.B.  A project list is one of my shield plans.  If the diagnosis IS cancer, then having an already established project list will just give me that much more reason to keep moving forward.  OCD and unchecked boxes.  Shudder.)

After the Knik river treatment, my feet were far better.  Whether it was the water, the sun, the exercise, it was all good.  Then we boarded the Bethel jet, and as soon as the cabin pressurized, neuropathy returned with a couple of souvenirs from its trip abroad, renewed vigor and intensity.  Pressurized aircraft are HELL for me.  Everything is magnified.  Especially the pain.  But since I will never fly again, that is a moot point.

After a month back in Bethel, it became September with snow and darkness returning right on bloody schedule - and so did my lethargy, my lack of energy, and I lost the bit of health I had recovered back in the real world.  At that point, I grokked two things.  Sunlight, despite my preference for night, is as necessary for me as air and water, and I should have realized this all along.  Stupid hat to the third power, please.  A want is NOT a need.  It's that simple.  Take some day shifts during the summer, make sure EVERYONE does, and at least break up those winter months as much as possible.  Yes, shift changing is tough - but SAD is the pits.  And far longer effecting than the shiftchange shit.

The other lack that I grokked on that trip was trees.  I know.  Seems a bit foo?  Fey?  But out on the tundra, there is nothing taller than a good sized bush anywhere - and there is a SHITTON of anywhere to look at.  Not a goddamn tree between me and the horizon.  I grew up in woodlands and forests back east.  Dappled sunlight on leafy paths in the late afternoon...dear GAWDS where are all the freakin trees???  I got back to Bethel and looked for anything like a tree.  I found a few, WAY down at the other end of town - might as well have been the moon for all the chance I had to get down there.  In the 6 block radius that my health, size and job limited me to 95 percent of the time, no trees.  No tree shadows, my favored method of timekeeping when life permits the luxury.  And that would not have worked in Alaska anyway - no shadows were right up there - just another patented Alaskan mind fuck.

I filled the need as best as I could - I grabbed every decent tree wallpaper that I could and rotated through them on the worst nights.  I would put some New Age instrumental with wind in the tree sounds, turn out all the lights, and watch trees on the desktop slide show.  Of such things are survival wrought.

Speaking of survival - tis now late afternoon, and really warm.  Love to all that read this far, and to those that did not.  Extra indulgence for today's length.

Make today the best day yet.

Kuskokwim Ice Road - Bethel to Akiak, Alaska 2010.mp4

Saturday, July 5, 2014

Just this side of paradise

Southern Oregon of a morning - just this side of paradise.  Walking here is a blessing, living here is a dream come true.  People you meet on the roadside are friendly, welcoming, about as normal as anyone could imagine...and almost never encounter.  A far cry from the Right Coast, where people move about in their own envelopes, isolated from each other and the glories that they pass through mindlessly.  Sigh.  If people would just slow the fuck down for one morning, get out and really see what is around them, there would be far less discontent in the world.

"With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world."

Get out and take a look at it sometime.  Beauty can be found in the smallest, least obvious places, but you need to look for it!

Where are all the bees?  Here is one...thistle bee a great memory ... winter is coming, after all.

Yes, the sky really is that color...once the chemtrails all fall to earth...  *WEG*

A friendly neighbor, even though I arrived appleless - this beauty came right to the fence as I walked up, fully expecting a sweet treat.  Next time, lovely one.

This shot screams "You ain't in Kansas anymore, Dorothy!"  Never see anything like this in Jersey, that's fer damn shure!

More friendly neighbors, the noisy ones from upstairs.

Why do people do stuff like this?  Cause it is way cool to just come upon it sudden-like.  Thank you for the delight!

Why do I think this would look better as the lid to a puzzle box?  Lots of blue sky to sort out.  That can be fun...

Christmas in July?  This majestic tree has already started decorating!

And finally - the Oregon Department of Transportation unveils their stunning new plan for pothole repairs.

Fill the pothole with rocks and encourage the populace to drive over it frequently.  In a scarce few millennia or so, the rocks will be crushed into gravel - for FREE!  Your tax dollars at work!

In health issues, no changes worth reporting - still struggling to feel "right" again - still sore, bruised and uncomfortable most of the time -but no true pain, thank gawds.  It is a beautiful day in the neighborhood.

Love to those that read this far - and to those that did not.

Make today the best day yet.

Thursday, July 3, 2014

Back in the horse, but back in the saddle!

This morning went far better than yesterday.  Morning inventory...5 out of 10 pain, mainly toe and rib where I have been lying all cattawumpus.  Biopsy site feels fairly dry, stiff and sore, bruised feeling, but nothing deep.  Very encouraging.

Bruises are still an issue, especially when trying to find a bra that will work.  Fortunately, I have one fat lady bra remaining.  My tits wobble around like lumps of coal in the bottom of a yule stocking, but better than squeezing the Charmin (apologies for anyone under 40 who does not remember Mr. Whipple).  (Google it).

I noted this morning that the kittie boys are most considerate lately.  I have not had to argue for bed space, my chair, or any other inconvenience for a couple of days now.  They are not even their usual speed bump selves, but seem to be hyper-vigilant and get out of my way long before I reach their snooze spot.  I appreciate that, since those last minute scrambles to avoid a cat who is avoiding me is usually a disaster on multiple levels.  Of course, some of this could be explained by afternoon temps well into the 90's, making them even lazier and more somnolent, but I really think their 6th sense is letting them know that the more space I have right now, the better.  They are still loving and head butting me frequently for attention, but the bed is all mine now.  Such great owners I have!

The sneaky looking cutie on the left is Spooky, and the face washing sweetie is Mikey.  They own us body and soul.  They were born on the same day that we said farewell to PD, our Alaskan import.  They chose us in a parking lot, came home with us, and have ruled the roost ever since.  Spooky was named for his most obvious characteristic...he gets spooked by everything.  Anything.  Whateverthing.  Not to mention that he is pretty spooky himself, watching me from across a dark room, when the only visible evidence of his presence are those eyes...glowing in the monitor light...

Mikey is actually Mycroft.  When the kittie boys got here, Mikey was out of the carrier and exploring as soon as the latch unclicked.  He finally coaxed Spooky out of the carrier, out from under one bed, out from under another bed, showed him where food, water and litter were to be found, and in all ways, seemed perfectly suited to be the "smarter, older brother."  First impressions, and all that...

At least I can say that he is not as dumb as he seems...I think.  But, he is soft, cuddly, loves to snuggle on cold nights, and earns his keep chasing the occasional bug that gets in.  I'll let him keep me.

Got the bike out and rode/walked/shot photos for an hour.  That was the smartest thing I have done for a week.  It feels GOOD to be sore from actually doing something, instead of being the something that is done to.  Southern Oregon is paradise, at least visually, and we all should pay just a smidge more attention to what glories we mindlessly pass by daily.

Like this beauty, for example

This was just growing beside a fence, over the sidewalk.  Amazing to simply come upon it, like finding fireworks in the noon sky.

For those with curiosity about such things, I have posted an update photo over on the Blood page.  Warning - this is straight out of the bathroom mirror.  No cleaning things up here - this is the real shit.  If blood and the like bothers you - try the FLAG FRENZY page instead.

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

Wednesday Morning at 5 o'clock ...

as the day begins...

I moved something.  So what?  It hurt, that's what.

That curly haired tailor has some bad ass needles...truly.  That is one nasty procedure.  Despite the best (and they were remarkable) efforts by the team to make me comfortable and assured, nothing can overcome the effects of 2 hours on that table.  Lying there with the target breast hanging down through that hole certain achieves a comforting depersonalization, that is to say that it does not matter that you cannot turn your head to see who is entering the exam room.  You are just a tit in a hole at that point, and glad to be so.

Pro tip - when the tech asks if you need to use the bathroom - accept the offer despite what you might think.  I wound up being strapped back together to make the 40 foot walk to a toilet the second the procedure was wrapped up.  No fun.

The procedure requires you to remain still for far too long, IMHO.  Humans get very uncomfortable when we cannot fidget or twitch, and lying around with needles in you - or so I presume, since I could neither see nor feel exactly what was happening, is not the most opportune time to need to pee.  I spent of the time with my eyes closed, holding shallow breaths as directed.  Over and over. "Shallow breath and hold... BEEEEEEEP.... OK, you can breathe. "   Thank gawds she remembered to grant me permission to breathe each time, or I would still be lying there.  A bit colder, perhaps.

On a side note, at least Mel's gawds granted her a bit of a small break - this whole procedure occurred in a typical treatment room - way under cooled (to the point where I had to ask for a blanket for my poor nekkid back) - on a day when the outside temps hit 105.  The inside temp was more like 62.  At least I had a cool place to while away the afternoon...recreating the famous human pin cushion exhibit from carnival midways everywhere.

The doctor was reassuring throughout...explaining things, especially the room noises, before they occurred.  That was very helpful, especially since I can well imagine they don't like it much when the patient jumps half a foot out of startlement.  And that room emitted some fey sounds while I was pinned down in there.  The worst was the actual insertion of the biopsy hollow needle -there is an audible POP and brief pressure feeling - much like a balloon popping suddenly just in front of you.  The first time it happened, I was surprised by it, and immediately flashed on an image of a clown with a balloon animal popping between his hands as he twisted it around.

For those with a taste for the yuckier side - Day 1 post procedure pic here - this is before the 24 hour no showering rule expired, so all this has been here since yesterday.  And it hurts.  Not killing pain, but ergh.  Shoulder movement, waist twisting, even trying to put my elbow into my ear...all remind me that I am in an unusual state of being at the moment.  My right breast feels like a sack of oranges that just tumbled down a LONG steep flight of stairs.  Bulges, bumps and bruises.  New word - hematoma.

Not all that new, had them, seen them before, but, this is bizarre.  Like carrying a sack of marbles around inside your bra.  Center of gravity shifts just a tad, whether to accommodate sore areas or because the extra swelling has thrown off the dilithium crystals, quien sabe?  But this ship is not on a straight course at the moment.  Listing heavily to starboard, and taking on water.

Picking up after another appointment...this time the foot doctor.  Finally.  And, as suspected, foot problems.  The wound is actually healing, albeit slowly.  And I just learned that being hurt in the left foot is far worse than the right - the left leg and foot only have about 50 percent of the pressure that they should.  The right leg is at 80 percent open - far better for healing and other good things.  So, left foot and right breast out of action.  How many hit points did I manage to lose in the last week?  Great Caesar's Ghost!

Tetanus shot.  Good idea.  Would have been an even better idea last week when the injury occurred, but better late than never.  Need to get signed up for one of those...GROAN.  More discomfort.  Oh well, with any luck, I will get that tetanus shot long before they start removing my toenails.  Seems like a logical sequence.

And that was not hyperbole.  If the circulation to my right foot is sufficient, toenail removal is likely.  They are way ingrown, actually curling around the skin.  Needs to be done, but not looking forward to that one, let me tell you.  No idea what will happen with the left foot - I go back in three weeks for that follow up.

Recommendations - stay off it, until I can't.  Keep it clean, stay focused on healing, keep it dry, 2-3 more weeks...

I am taking away the fact that he doesn't want to see it for 3 weeks.  Things cannot be all that bad if three weeks can pass without peeking at it.  Keep telling yourself that, Mel.  Maybe it will help you sleep at nights.

Love to all that read this far, and to those that did not.

Make today the best day yet.

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

On Pins and Needles

The time has come, the walrus said, to talk of many things... maybe that is my problem.  Maybe one too many midnight flashlight rereadings of Alice.  I just can't help this feeling that the rabbit hole is getting wider and deeper each day - at what point does a rabbit hole become a bona fide Florida sink hole?

It has to be when one gives up hope.  And that isn't about to happen.  Let the rabbit hole continue to swirl about me with its upside down maps and cupboards full of empty jam jars.  I know there is a soft landing down there eventually, and all I need to do is fall far enough to find it.  That should be simple enough for even me to handle.

But for today - I need to handle a small thing - a biopsy.  Six letters.  3 syllables.  Less of a word than swashbuckler, certainly.  Odd word, biopsy, starts off woody, but finishes on an unpleasant tinny note.
I did get an information call, appreciated, but one that has been resonating since hanging up.  I am going to be lying on my stomach with my breasts hanging down through cutouts...and presumable a small tailor in brown clothing with curly hair and a mischievous twinkle in his eye will crouch under there poking at my tits with his shiny silver needle?  I should have left out a saucer of milk last night!

Karma - funny thing, that bitch.  One of the lesser known family stories involves me, lipstick boosted from Mom's purse, age 3, living with grandma until our house was finished/my baby sister was born, and mom napping while I played and 'cleaned up'.  The plug went perfectly into the drain, the water turned on to the right temperature and force, and I scrubbed happily.  Unplugging and turning off apparently would be next week's lessons.  I went on my way, playing quietly, as mommy needed her rest.  Mommy's rest was abruptly interrupted by the unwanted intrusion of gallons of water filling the ceiling paper and bulging breasts on a biopsy table.  Mom and grandma began relieving the pressure by running about stabbing each paper bulge with knitting needles.  Karma - you bitch!

So I will be meeting with the tailor in a little more than 4 hours.  I am less afraid of the results than I am of putting myself at the mercy of the Medical Industry again.  Although each person I have dealt with has been reasonable, compassionate and professional, I am Entering The System.  The last time I did this -they damn near killed me.  I always wondered how people returned to the scene of a I know.  No choices.  Although that STILL doesn't explain Roddy McDowell's character going back to Hell House.  So, Mel, remember.  Fear is the mind killer.  Walk in there and do not let them scare you.  Only your own mind can scare you.  Make sure it is ready for this.

Love to all who read this far, and those that did not.

Make today the best day yet.